What I want to know is...

...who's Will and why do we keep firing at him? Who's Bejesus, and why do we keep scaring him?

How's my driving?

Detroit drivers. Are we not skilled choreographers who can maneuver through impassable places, who can fly between slower cars at 100mph like one of the Blue Angels? Are we not some of the safest drivers on the road, at any speed? Is Detroit not a place where you'll find a shriveled, graying, hunched-over retiree barreling down Twelve Mile at 70mph?

YES, it is, and God love us for being the automotive quarterbacks, the vehicular Baryshnikovs that we are.

So I'm living in Seattle now, which is a little like, "what if you increased the population of Ontonagon, MI, by, say, 3,500,000." Lots of pine trees, beautiful scenery, clean air, clean water....it's great. And of course the food, the shopping, the outdoor recreational opportunities...DAMN. What a great town.

And of course, being on the West Coast, it has the same kind of laid-back, dude-what's-your-hurry mentality of California. Which in many cases can be great. Not so many conflicts here as in Daytwah, for example. People are a little more chill about life in general.

So here's the flip side to this lushly green, soggy paradise: add three-and-a-half million people to dude-what's-your-hurry AND YOU GET TRAFFIC AND DRIVERS THAT F***ING SUCK.

With my formative driving years being shaped on the anarchy that is I-696 as well as the Lodge, I-94 and Southfield Freeway, I can safely tell Michiganders that if you were to drive here, you might have

a) an embolism
b) road rage
c) an uncontrollable urge to knock everyone's slo-pitch ass into the nearest ditch.

Every time I get behind the wheel here, I feel like a New York cabbie on both crack and speed.

How's your driving? Do you drive like a bat outta hell? Are you meek and mild? Was your insurance cancelled in '02? Do you pride yourself at always evading radar and traffic tickets?

How's your driving? Write me.